May 2012
5 posts
Like what I like
I get embarrassingly frustrated when people don’t like things to the same level as I do. For instance - the moon. I fucking love the moon and it drives me crazy that people generally talk more about your sister’s friend Justine than they do about the moon. Did you ever see a hot air balloon in real life? It’s fucking magical. Well - the moon is basically doing the same thing...
Genuine
I hate the phrase “at least he’s genuine”.
If we don’t stop describing people as ‘genuine’, they’re going to have to change the meaning of the word to “guy who’s too dumb to realise he offends people most times he talks”
Things I Restrain From Saying At Parties
“I actually prefer watching videos with a lower bit rate”
If you set your mind to it
Can we stop telling kids to follow their dreams?
It’s getting awkward.
From preschool to high school and every Disney movie ever, adults told my friends and I that we should ‘do what we enjoy’. So we did that and now Australia’s DJ to Accountant ratio is, frankly, out of control.
Older generations are freaking out because no one is getting a proper job. Especially...
Suits
Whenever I see a guy from my high school wearing a suit in a Facebook photo, they’re never just wearing a suit. They’re never just going to work or at work or after work. It’s always a guy about to go to a horse race and they’re always making a face that says “Woah-ho, look at me. I’m wearing a suit! Me!? In a suit! Ooh la la”.
You’re 25 and white!...
April 2012
3 posts
Cool Reading Spot, Bro
Diagram A (Src: A Little Princess)
I just had slight mental breakdown over something I saw at the ‘cool’ cafe up the road.
Fitzroy, Melbourne is the type of town that messes with your moral conscience. There are a lot of homeless guys around and a lot of hipsters around. More than once I’ve envied someone’s sweet 80s jacket and only moments later had the same guy ask me...
Exercise
In spite of everything you’ve heard on The Biggest Loser, I’ve actually found a way to hate myself more by becoming healthier.
I’m playing myself in this TV show ‘Please Like Me’. I’m supposed to look like me. I, myself, have a funny body. It’s thin on top with a belly that makes me look like a snake with a half digested pile of Snack Pack inside it.
The...
March 2012
6 posts
Roleplay/Actually Asian
Last night my girlfriend and I dressed as John Lennon and Yoko Ono for a Beatles party.
It was fun, but just a word of warning, if you ever think to yourself “I’m going to have a themed party” remember what you’re actually saying is “I’m going to make everybody have a shitty Saturday searching for a costume, hating me more and more every minute”.
I...
“If I were a drag queen I’d create a Glee cover band called Nude Erections.”
– Me
I bet you'd cry if I died
Mt Cootha lookout.
Nothing cheers me up more than imagining how my friends would react if I died:
All my friends gather and weep. The things they once scoffed at me for are now sweet memories. Like the time I went to Mt Cootha lookout by myself hoping a girl would think I was mysterious or the time I made a matchbox model scene of my ex-girlfriend and I on a bridge. In reflection my friends...
Acquired Taste
Sometimes when people say that something is an acquired taste, I feel what they actually mean is “eventually you’ll associate this taste with the feeling of being white”.
I don’t think that your taste buds can literally change to start enjoying something you’ve always hated. I think what is actually happening is after 10 gagging experiences with wine you think...
Acting
First week filming ‘Please Like Me’. Josh Thomas screams at someone if ‘his chair’ isn’t on set at all times.
Last week, production started on Josh Thomas’ kind-of-autobiographical sitcom ‘Please Like Me’. It’s a little bit about sad things happening and a lot about people who make-out with each other and then stop making-out with each other...
Doctors yell at people around me
This morning I went to the dentist to have a small chip repaired. It’s fixed now and I look fucking hot again.
The dentist was kind of strange though. She had what felt like 7 face knives inside my mouth when her assistant arrived in the back room.
‘Hi Cindy’ the dentist called out.
‘Hi’ Cindy replied timidly.
Immediately things got tense.
‘Cindy, what did...
February 2012
2 posts
Fuck you leap day.
I just found out, if not for February 29, the seasons would ignore their allocated months and gradually drift later into the year.
Feb 29 in Australia is the equivalent of Summer getting an extension on its assignment because it still hasn’t finished being hot even though it was supposed to be Autumn by today.
Consider this, if not for the leap day… Australia…would one...
12 years and over
I just saw a live comedy poster advertising a show as being ‘suitable for ages 12 and over’.
Does that weird anyone else out?
I get 15+, your innocence has been crushed at high school by then - but 12?
I can’t think of one thing that is appropriate for a 12 year old, but inappropriate for an 11 year old.
What’s especially weird is that the comedian in question is a 45...
October 2011
1 post
Very mini documentary about comedy I made
So, early this year I made this series of videos about stand up comedy as part of the work I do on Comedy.com.au. They’re specifically about stand up comedy and comedy festivals. I was very lucky to have access to some of the hardest working and funniest comedians in the country.
You don’t see modern Australian stand ups getting a chance to talk about “their craft” on...
September 2011
4 posts
Sketch Comedy 2
1. INT HOSPITAL DAY 1.
DEAF GUY RECOVERING FROM AMNESIA Hitler did what to six million shoes!?
END
Everybody Loves Tom
Me to girlfriend: Just because you want something more than me, doesn’t mean it’s more important, OK!?
______________
Fan fact: What Tom wanted was to not put his shoes away.
My weekend
On Sunday I saw a lady run up to a Woolworths employee shouting
“I need Quick-Eze. What aisle are the Quick-Eze!? Do you know Quick-Eze?”
Oh man. You should have seen it. She was all like:
“I need Quick-Eze. What aisle are the Quick-Eze!? Do you know Quick-Eze?”
I don’t know if I’m selling it.
A woman. Running. Indigestion.
What a wonderful weekend.
August 2011
6 posts
Sketch Comedy
I’ve been writing sketches for my friend’s sketch group. They didn’t like this one:
1. EXT - THE PARK - DAY 1.
GIRL Damn, that boy’s got swagger.
BOY I have cerebral palsy, Monique!
THE END
The day I made my boss laugh
Boss: Tom, what’s a word for tweeting about fisting?
Me: Fweeting.
Boss: What?
Me: Fweeting.
Boss: *laughs*
Office lawyer walking by: What’s fweeting?
Boss and Me: *laughing*
Boss: Tweeting about fisting.
Daylezford
This lyric from the new Kanye/Jay Z album:
…run a bubble bath. And float in that motherfucker like a hovercraft…
is making me feel a lot cooler about this weird weekend retreat spa trip I’m going to with my girlfriend, mum and her boyfriend this weekend.
Not it’s not. It’s still weird.
Is it weird?
No, fuck you, it’s going to be hell luxurious and as long as I can’t see my mum anywhere I...
Died
I once told my friend that a distant friend of both of ours had died when they hadn’t (they pulled through).
I meant to call my friend to correct myself but couldn’t be bothered.
What do you reckon?
Business Email to Tom Ballard
So, I work for some comedians who are also close friends of mine. This means that I often get carried away during professional emails, finish the email and think “If I send this and anybody else in the office sees how I speak to clients, I will be fired”
Below is an email I wrote but did not send to very talented comedian and friend Tom Ballard
_____________
Hi Tom,
How do you feel...
July 2011
1 post
Beer hypothesis
I don’t think beer gets better as you get older.
I think many things just get worse than beer.
I think as you get older what you really start saying about the taste of beer is:
“I’ve been through enough difficulties, that this is now a bearable experience. This.”
It’s a good measure.
I think it’s the same reason rich people like weird food. “Well...
May 2011
2 posts
Faces of People Laughing at Jordan Paris
4 tags
April 2011
1 post
Bill and Ted vs. Royal Wedding
I can’t get over this. On the night of the Royal Wedding, at the exact time of the wedding ceremony, GO! is screening 1991’s cult hit ‘Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey’, the story of two stoners who are murdered by future robot versions of themselves.
What a fucking amazing television programming choice.
Remember, a human person makes this decision. And in this case,...
February 2010
1 post
Chemistry
I met a hero at the chemist yesterday.
There was a box of lollies on the counter with a sign that read “SUGAR - FREE. Please try”
‘Hey, does that mean that you are offering sugar that is free or does it mean that they’re not free and people should be giving sugar-free confectionery a go?’ I asked.
‘It means neither. It means if you answer to the name Sugar...
January 2010
2 posts
Alicia Keyboards
I don’t have ready available internet in Melbourne.
I’m currently sitting in a LAN Gaming centre watching Alicia Keys videos my sister insisted I see while 20 guys around me play World of Warcraft and Call of Duty.
It’s incredible that in a LAN Gaming centre, I’m still the least gangster.
December 2009
3 posts
Less get physical
Last time I went to the beach I tried to use my brother’s skim board.
I immediately slipped backwards and landed on my neck.
I got up and noticed a jogging man who was laughing…laughing oh so much. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn’t breathe, started coughing, stopped his jog and sat down on the sand to regain his breath.
Thus, when I participate in physical...
Gutenberg
Because I’m a novelty shirt douche, I have a t-shirt with a picture of Johannes Gutenberg.
I was wearing it yesterday and an old fat man with a train driver’s cap and big glasses said
“Hey! Hey! Who’s that again?”
Oh, it’s Johannes Gutenberg. He invented the type press
The man said nothing for about five minutes and then turned and said
...
“Going against me is atheist”
– Lil’ Wayne
November 2009
6 posts
New podcast episode out.
Josh Thomas and I have a new podcast episode out.
Season 2! You’ll have to ask your friends for season 1 because we had to remove them.
Trap La Roux
Ha!
Take a listen from 2.00 - 2.40:
I was talking to friend and told them it was SO COOL that La Roux had sampled this:
Thanks to Henry Stone for proving me amazingly wrong via facebook post.
What’s the actual sample?
Look at @gregmlarsen. He’s chronicling his life up to the day he got twitter. Amazing headshot profile pic from when he was goth.
Trying to look cool while eating orange in public.
hell
aaah!
My housemates are having a never ending argument about religious education in schools.
My neighbour has “Second Chance” by Shinedown on repeat.
Which is worse?
“Ants in my laptop.
Eating all the keyboard crumbs,
but don’t bite me...”
– Haiku by Thomas Ward
October 2009
13 posts
This is a sketch from @henryst0ne & greg larsen which I received a directing credit for: http://bit.ly/Q0zJh I really just stood around.
Hairdresser to me: you need to bald a little. You have no forehead.
I will be doing standup at @joshthomas87’s shows in sydney from thursday to sunday. wooooo http://tinyurl.com/yg6vspd
Wow. Well done google for predicting this particular phrase I was looking for: “What do bogan girls wear?”
http://twitpic.com/mbrrg - Just saw this on my facebook feed.
Fuck off kinder surprises with no-assembly-required toys.