The thing about Paul Walker is that he was kind of the last nineties teen actor idol guy. Remember when movies like ‘Varsity Blues’ and ‘The Skulls’ were being released? Paul Walker was there. Remember when TV Hits magazine was a thing? Paul Walker was there too.
Paul Walker was there when I had just started high school and he stayed there until I graduated from university.
If you’re feeling as perplexed as me as to why the death of Paul Walker is affecting you so much, that may be why. You are probably in your twenties and had forgotten that Paul Walker was in almost every film you went on a first date to during high school.
Every time I saw yet another Fast and the Furious film released, it made me feel weirdly happy that something which started during the same cultural revolution as Limp Bizkit and ICQ Messenger was still going strong.
I lost my virginity in a bedroom which had a poster of Paul Walker on the wall. Now every time I see two bogans racing their cars through the outer suburbs, I think about that moment and it’s all thanks to Paul Walker.
I have a theory that Sam and Colin are in fact the same character.
1. Physically, it’s completely tangible. Both have red hair and puggy noses.
2. Colin is inexplicably convinced that he’s destined to do better romantically with American girls. Why would this be? Oh, I know, maybe because of the American girl he kissed at the airport on Christmas eve after killing it on the drums in front of the entire school? I’d have an insane infatuation with American girls too, if that was the first good thing to happen to me since my mum’s funeral.
3. Colin is optimistic and unaffected by the social norms. Fear of the unknown would usually deter people from living a life so romantically that they’d spend the little money they make in catering to go and find love in America. Why would he persist with such a risky idealised adventure even when his best friend is urging him to reconsider? Oh, perhaps because he was raised by Liam Neeson to value love over everything.
My girlfriend and I were sitting on the hill by the edge of the dog park last Sunday. We were enjoying the first warmth Melbourne had received since April.
I could see another couple sitting right in the middle of the oval. They were pale and squinty. The cut of the man’s jeans was between boot cut and flare. His black t-shirt had that fox motocross logo that was very popular in Brisbane’s outer suburbs thirteen years ago.
The woman was wearing an outfit that you might try and pass off as an anti-materialistic statement at the gym when your Lorna Jane outfit has simply become too toxic to re-wear.
The more beautiful the day became, the more out of place the two of them looked. They seemed so unhappy sitting in the middle of the field in the blaring sun. They were defiant in their persistence to enjoy day time. It took me nearly half an hour to decipher their body language. They were competing.
So, a new American TV network called ‘Pivot’ is going to be broadcasting ‘Please like me’ to American people this Thursday 1 Aug.
Also, they and the ABC will be producing a second season!
Pivot was started by some people called ‘Participant Media’. They’ve made some important films.
I can officially now say the following:
"From Australian Tax Payers and the makers of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ and ‘Lincoln’ comes the televisual dramatisation of every poor decision I’ve made over the last two years".
"I don’t think I could have handled the harsh reality of adulthood if I hadn’t already endured that whole Santa scandal."
Scientists at the University of Edinburgh just figured out that exposure to UV rays (like, from the sun and shit) decreases blood pressure.
Australia has more UV rays than the northern hemisphere because we’re closer to the hole in the ozone layer. That explains why we’re so farkin chilled out mate.
Scientists also explained that this is why Tasmania, closest to the hole in the ozone, might be the first state to legalise same sex marriage and why north Queensland, the furthest from the hole, is so racist.